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Helping a friend with cancer can feel awkward. You may want to help but don’t know just how to do it. You don’t want to do something wrong but aren’t sure what will be well received. We offer the following tips, culled from our 23 years experience as a medical oncologist and clinical psychologist team working with patients and their caregivers.
1. Don’t make assumptions. Find out what is needed by asking or observing. Though you may feel more comfortable with a plan of what you’re going to do or say before you call or visit your friend, don’t let that plan blind you to what is needed at that moment. The circumstances may be different from what you expected. Be flexible and open to what your friend wants. If you are comfortable being spontaneous, come without an agenda.
2. Be aware of your projections. We all have an image of cancer and what it’s like to have it. Because your friend has been dealing with it personally, they may have a different understanding of the disease. Distinguish between your feelings and attitudes and theirs. If you feel anxious or depressed, is it something that you bring with you or is it coming from them? Unless you’re going to their funeral, they are still alive and have a future. Treat them that way.
3. Show loving kindness toward yourself first. If your purpose is to show your love and support for your friend, fill yourself first. You will have more to offer them if you come with a sense of being loved. An abundance of goodwill toward yourself leads to a generous spirit. Be nice to yourself.
4. Know what you can offer. Unless you have special gifts or training, you probably won’t be able to cure your friend. That doesn’t mean you can’t help them. Small things make a big difference. What you bring may be less important than how you present it. A few flowers from your garden may be more appreciated than a large bouquet delivered impersonally. Don’t talk about food, just bring it. Bring small servings, attractively presented. You may provide practical help by organizing, delegating or recruiting support.
5. Cancer is a chronic disease. There are many opportunities and many different things to offer. Needs change with time. Reassure your friend you’ll be with them for the long haul. Stay connected. If you’re visiting, you don’t have to stay long: consistency is more important than length.
“Live Longer-Live Larger: A Holistic Approach for Cancer Patients and Families,” written by the husband and wife team, is published by O’Reilly and available through their Web site, www.buchholzmedgroup.com.
For additional information, contact the authors at 988-8011 or logon to their Web site. Their office is located at 1174 Castro St., suite 275, in Mountain View.
