Judith S. Duque, LMFCC
A reader called in to ask, “What do I do with my 6- and 3- year-olds when we play family games? The 6-year-old leaves in a fit of anger when he even perceives that he is losing; my husband then gets angry at our son and storms off. I’m left feeling frustrated because I want us to do family activities at home together without always having to either go out or invite others in. Besides, I don’t like my feeling of not liking my son’s behavior, and I worry that this behavior is transferring itself to his activities outside the home.”
A therapeutic guess: it probably is.
Answer: Once again, the opportunity to teach and model desirable behaviors arises at the most surprising time. As adults we present games to children as a “fun” activity, and yet listen to parents on the Little League and soccer fields: the emphasis is on winning and the adult messages of “try harder” or “next time you’ll do better” translate to “you’re not good enough.”
Not much “fun” contained in those words. Teaching kids to play at a young age is about fun. As kids grow, games become a metaphor for life, which makes them much more than fun. You win some; you lose some. You’re the star; you’re the team player. You’re in the center of activity; you’re benched as an onlooker.
Game rules mimic life as well. When kids change the rules midstream, cry foul, throw down their cards, dice, or ball, they are usually mimicking how they live their lives or as adults in their lives live theirs.
At this point, I say: Mom and Dad, look in the mirror. Teaching kids to play honestly, fairly, knowledgeably and for fun is a step-by-step process that is no different than teaching a kid to ride a tricycle or to drive. Would you put your child on a two-wheeler and let go or hand the keys to your l6-year-old and say, “take the car,” without extensive driving lessons?
Well, learning to play games is part of the foundation for your kids’ approach to life. Besides learning how to play by the rules, kids learn bow to deal with frustration and the fear of losing face when losing.
Key: The goal of teaching kids how to play is to take the focus away from the win/lose concept. Parents, to change an undesirable behavior, set a small number of games to be played. Kids who aren’t tolerant of losing can’t play many games. Say the game is “go fish” or tick-tack-toe or “horse.” Set a goal of three or four games. Make a tally sheet of who wins/who loses. Added interest is in the addition of tally marks at the end of the games. Adding the tally slash marks correctly introduces another dimension to the game. Making the tally sheet could be another area to excel in. The key is to remove the focus from the win/lose concept.
Key: If the child won’t abide by the rules and leaves in a huff, the game continues without the child. Players don’t make an issue of the child’s leaving. If the parents feel frustrated, remember the goal of the misbehavior is attention. One of the parental responses for changing an undesirable behavior is to ignore the misbehavior. So, don’t give the child ANY attention for leaving. Just continue playing.
Competition and the concept of winning and losing are natural byproducts of the classroom and the playing field. Our job as parents is to give our kids a secure foundation to deal with the classroom and playing fields.
Duque, a licensed marriage, family and child counselor, is in private practice in Mountain View. She teaches parenting and works with people on relationship issues. She welcomes reader questions. Send them to the Town Crier or call them in to 568-7955.
