Following is the second in a three-part series on covert domestic abuse.
The photo of her fish tank now becomes Exhibit A in the covert abuser’s own case against his partner, a case he has been building for a while now. He has already begun planting those first few seeds of doubt in the minds of mutual friends after discovering she has been secretly consulting attorneys. He sees this as the ultimate act of infidelity – his own indiscretions involving massage parlors, call girls and the occasional, short-lived affair pale by comparison.
Once in a rare, vulnerable moment, he confided in her how to wage guerrilla warfare against an adversary through a campaign of strategic character assassination. You begin by dropping the odd comment periodically to mutual friends and colleagues, sprinkle some truth in with the lies to make the lies more credible and then follow up with a consequence that looks reasonable in light of the unfortunate circumstances.
The game goes something like this:
“Sarah never really liked the domestic life. She was always more career-driven. She never really wanted children. I was so glad when we got pregnant, but I saw the change that came over her. Gradually at first, but later when the drinking started, that’s when I really started to get concerned about the safety of the children. She decided she didn’t want to work anymore – so I was carrying the bills for both of us, which I still didn’t mind because, of course, I loved her. But recently, she has stopped doing anything around the house as well. I don’t mind making all the meals and looking after the kids, but it’s the flashes of temper that are starting to worry me.”
You can add a few flourishes by keeping her up all night, then provoking her until you get a reaction and then film just the reaction, using it as but one example of her “many random meltdowns.”
Total surrender
It’s not a single blow, it’s death by a thousand cuts – until, when she leaves, the gloves come off altogether. He files a restraining order against her, asks the court for full legal and physical custody or gets her
put on a mental health hold, and their mutual friends nod sadly, thinking they saw this coming.
In this way, mutual friends are recruited as allies and persuaded to take sides. Neutrality is never an option with this kind of covert abuser. You are either for him or against him.
And if you’re against him, God help you.
What is the goal of the war game?
Total surrender, total destruction.
It’s Genghis Khan, where it’s not enough to win. His intimate partner – now intimate enemy – must lose, and lose everything. One survivor calls it the “scorched earth” campaign.
The mistake she often makes is to think that by negotiating, giving in on some issues, settling for less than she is entitled to, he will settle, choose peace and eventually stop dragging her back to court, if only for the sake of the children.
On the contrary, the children become trophies of an endless war, and he will often set out to take them away from her by hook or by crook or, failing that, to weaponize them, slowly poisoning their minds against her or threatening to cut them off financially if they dare to “choose” her over him.
Part 3 in the series will explore the consequences of this kind of war.
Ruthven Darlene, M.A., is founder and director of the nonprofit WomenSV, which provides a range of services for women – and some men – experiencing domestic violence. For more information, call 996-2200, email [email protected] or visit womensv.org.
