Am I taking enough APs? Should I be participating in sports, or research? Am I taking on enough leadership? Which activity looks best for college applications? If I get a “B” in a class, will it prevent me from getting into a “good” university? If I take the SAT four times, can I improve my score enough? Which major is “easier” to get into? Which major has the best potential for growth and earnings? How big a loan can I take?
Those are questions I get almost every day, by students and their parents obsessing over getting into the “right” colleges, the stress and angst in their voices apparent. I am regularly fielding calls related to students’ (and parents’) anxiety, fears and yes, more often than I’d like, suicide ideation. It takes a toll on all of us, those suffering and those who listen and support.
Students and their parents are overly concerned with perfection, thinking that this is the best way to “game the system” and gain admissions to highly rejective institutions. This leads to unintended consequences. Parents, in an attempt to prevent their students from making a “fatal” mistake which might preclude them from gaining the lofty ideals the parent pictures for them, tend to overcontrol students, making all the “right” decisions for them, instead of allowing the student to fail and learn from their mistakes.
This creates a false impression that students must be perfect in order to exist. That is an incredible amount of pressure to put on a young developing person. And it creates a crisis, when they do fail, even if it is something minor or they just aren’t perfect – like getting a B.
So, as an experienced independent college admissions advisor with more than 19 years of experience and having shepherded more than 800 students through the college applications process, this is my number one piece of advice:
LET THEM FAIL. Let them get the weird haircut, wear the stripes with the polka dots, let them get a B, let them do something because they like it, rather than if it will look good on an application, let them be a kid. Let them burn dinner, spend the money on something foolish. Failing will allow them to see that perfection is not the only way to live and that small mistakes lead to learning and course correction. Let them make those mistakes while they are home and safe, so that they can learn to make good judgement calls on the bigger things when they have flown the nest. If they are never allowed to make mistakes and decisions for themselves, even the littlest failures will convince them they are not worthy.
Did they end up getting Bs? Not taking ALL the APs? Pass on the branding/passion project? Remember, there are more than 3,000 public and private four-year universities in the U.S. alone. The top 20% encompass more than 600 schools, and only about 200 schools admit less than 50% of their applicants. I have worked with Stanford graduates who go on to be baristas, having burned out before the ripe old age of 21, and CSU graduates who go on to have careers and salaries which many of us would envy. At the end, it is the student and their resilience which determines their success.
Will this be difficult? Yup, it is hard to see our loved ones struggle, but it is the struggle that gives them confidence, that will see them through the inevitable failures they will have to face along the way.
Hollis Bischoff is a college admissions adviser for College Unlocked. For more information, email [email protected].
